Sesame Street’s Bert: The Trip to Madness

By Christopher Gabriel, CGabriel.com

Although I didn’t grow up with Sesame Street, I’ve seen it enough in recent years to have a full appreciation of it.  Elmo, Big Bird, Grover, Cookie Monster, Rosita, Zoe and more.  So many great characters, all of them unique in their own way.  One of those characters, however, troubles me.  He troubles me because I believe he’s suffering.  I believe he’s crying out for help.  The character I’m speaking of:  Bert.

To begin with, just look at him.  He’s a wreck, an absolute fashion nightmare.  Who picked out that striped shirt?  And is that a turtleneck or an ascot underneath it?  Then, there’s his hair.  For the love of Jose Eber, someone give Bert a mirror.  Clearly, he and boxing promoter Don King go to the same stylist.  Either that, or he wakes up and just rolls with it the way it is.  And I won’t even begin to discuss the eyebrow.

Perhaps one of his pals, maybe Grover, could contact Stacy and Clinton on TLC’s What Not to Wear and get him a fashion and hair makeover.  Then again Bert stepping up to the 360-degree mirror might cause permanent psychological damage for him.  Unless he’s already suffered irreparable damage at the hands of his so-called best friend on Sesame Street.

Apparently, I’m the only one on to the lovable, chummy and utterly duplicitous Ernie. 

Yes, Bert is fashion-challenged, has a hairstyle from who-knows-where and laughs like a panicked sheep.  So you’d think it would be enough for Ernie to take a step back, look objectively at his pal and simply say “maybe I should just leave well-enough alone.”  But no, that wouldn’t be any fun for Emperor Ernie from The Dark Side.

Bert will be minding his own business trying to read a book.  And Ernie?  He jumps on his drums and begins wailing away like John Bonham from Led Zeppelin.  Through it all, Bert, lacking sufficient communication skills to reel in the maniacal Ernie, gets more and more frustrated finally passing out or leaving the room in utter frustration.

Or what about when the two of them decide to read out loud together, alternating turns.  Bert gets no more than several words out before Ernie the Rude cuts him off and begins reading away for a significantly longer period of time.

I’m here to tell you this is a serious situation. 

Little-known fact: Bert’s been in therapy for years.  Oh sure, you’re probably giggling at the thought of Bert doing a session in midtown Manhattan at $200-per-hour.  Me, I applaud him.  The little man with the big hair has sought help for what has been a very trying career.

He’s made his money, he’s got his fan club - albeit, not nearly as big as Ernie’s - and his social life hasn’t really suffered.  Last time we spoke, he mentioned something about a trip to Ireland with a “friend” named Molly. 

But I heard his pain.  I’ve seen his pain.  I’ve felt his pain.

Bert is a proud man, not one to overtly blame others for shortcomings in his life.  I’m here to tell you, Ernie has practically ruined him.  Ernie has been allowed to run all over Bert for years and no one seems to care one bit.  Is there no one at PBS with a heart? 

Quite frankly, I’m sick of it.

Maybe Bert simply needs to haul off and deck Ernie.  One punch.  Done.  I know, I know, it’s a kids show.  Maybe that wouldn’t exactly fit with the usual storylines.  Then again, kids need to understand the world’s not always a nice place.  Perhaps this could be a teaching opportunity.  At worst, it would be a ratings boon.

Bert drops Ernie, story at 11.  When’s the next sweeps week?

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Sugar and Spice Not Always So Nice

By Christopher Gabriel, CGabriel.com

My wife and I live in a lovely suburb of Minneapolis.  Good schools, lots of parks and lakes, plenty of restaurants . . . nice.  The other day, I went to a nice coffee shop in our nice suburb and saw a picture on the wall that wasn’t so nice.  The photo showed approximately 20 young women in silky tops and shorts, no shoes or socks, with looks on their faces that screamed “come and get me.” 

The caption on the photo in large, flame-like letters: FEEL THE HEAT!

Although the photo was out of place in this nice little coffee shop, it wouldn’t have bothered me if it was featuring the Minnesota Vikings cheerleaders.  It wouldn’t have bothered me if it was a promotional photo for a movie.  Or a television show.  It could have been any number of things causing me to give it no more than a passing glance.

But this photo asking us to “FEEL THE HEAT” wasn’t for pro cheerleaders, movies or anything that portrayed adults.  It was for the local high school girls varsity soccer team.   

A bunch of 14 to 17-year-old girls.  Are you feeling the heat? 

You didn’t need to look at the picture more than several seconds to realize these young ladies weren’t selling soccer.

As a father of two daughters, I was appalled.  If we can assume an adult, or several of them, thought this was a good idea and ultimately signed off on it, the photo is even more outrageous.  It’s embarrassing and shows a complete lack of awareness that these girls are kids.  Not women, kids.      

A young girl working at the coffee shop said to me “well, they’re supposed to look tough . . . don’t you kind of think they look tough?”

No, those girls didn’t look tough. 

They looked like the women I use to see walking 8th Avenue in midtown Manhattan.  Seconds after I expressed that thought, two adult women in line and no less than a half-dozen patrons sitting in the shop vocally agreed with my assessment.  Loudly.

It was another version of high school kids doing a fundraiser by washing cars.  99.9% of the time, there are girls in bikinis standing on the street corner next to the stop light waving their car wash signs.  I’m all for the fundraiser but the “bait,” as it were, to lure you in is questionable.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen young boys on the corner.  Now why is that?

I’m not that old or out of touch to understand the difference between good taste and bad.  More importantly is the issue of what’s right and what’s wrong.  And this picture was as wrong as those girls ”selling it” on a corner for the good of the car wash.

It’s not that the girls were scantily clad in the photo; they weren’t.  But to suggest this was anything resembling a team picture begs the question what sport they played.  What’s next for this high school - a soccer-sweetie of-the-month calendar?

Did one of these young soccer players, or the entire team, come up with the photo idea and sell it to their coach?  A school administrator?  Somebody who was ostensibly in charge?  Or did an adult dream this up and think nothing of the fact the photo portrays what I assume are largely good kids from good families looking just this side of cheap?

And what of the parents who signed off on it?  Did they think this was a good idea?  I took a random survey of friends of mine who have daughters.  This included colleagues in the media, friends I’ve known for more than 30 years and others I know through our church.  I explained the picture in great detail without the least bit of embellishment.  Before I could get the question out of my mouth, every one of them said they’d have been all over the school’s administration and the team’s coach explaining why their daughter would never . . . never . . . be in that picture.

We live in an era where pedophiles make a living off of the innocence and ignorance of youth.  Often times, however, many potential sitautions that might carry disastrous, if not tragic, consequences can be avoided by adults knowing better.  Adults being mindful they’re there to protect kids.  Adults not trying to be a kid’s best friend.

It all begs the question whether or not adults have the spine to stand up to young people and tell them in a situation like this, respectfully but firmly, “This isn’t appropriate.  We’ll take a picture that makes you look like soccer players.”  I don’t ever recall the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team doing a team photo quite like this one.

Another gal working at the coffee shop said to me “maybe they did it as a joke.”  A joke?  There’s nothing funny about the photo.  There’s nothing cute about it.  If it was done to raise money, wasn’t there a better way to sell their product? 

Here’s a thought: Sell the sport.  Sell the pride you have in wearing your school’s uniform.  Sell the joy you have of being an athlete.  Just don’t sell out.        

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When the Team Goes South, Don’t Blame the Boo-Birds

By Christopher Gabriel, CGabriel.com

When I go to sporting events, I don’t boo.  It doesn’t matter if my team is playing like a bunch of sheep wearing cleats and helmets, I just don’t boo.  I simply turn to my wife and berate the team . . . to her.  Thankfully, after 19 years she still indulges me.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed fans who boo are being lectured by an unusual source.  Sportswriters.  Since when do writers take up the cause for a struggling football team, or coach, they’re covering by counseling fans on their in-game behavior?

Fans paying their way into a stadium or arena have a right to express their displeasure over their team’s performance . . . within reason.  Profanity, trying to intimidate other fans, throwing things at players, those are all out of bounds.  But simply booing?  Nothing wrong with that. 

Apparently, some see it differently.

The Tennessee Volunteers football team has started 2008 at 1-3.  At many schools, this merits little more than an “oh well.”  In Knoxville, this is tantamount to the apocalypse.  And the whole situation is exacerbated by the fact Tennessee native son, former Vols player and current head coach Phillip Fulmer already is desired by many to be on the next riverboat floating down the Tennessee River, away from Neyland Stadium.  Far away.

Against UAB on September 13, the Vols won 35-3 in a game that wasn’t nearly as dominant as the score would indicate.  At times Vols fans, fed up with sluggish play against an inferior opponent (see UCLA loss), chose to manifest their displeasure with boos.

Then on September 20 the hated Florida Gators invaded Knoxville.  The Vols laid an egg as they were overwhelmed by the Gators, 30-6.  With last season’s 59-20 loss in Gainesville fresh in mind, many in the announced crowd of 106,138 began pouring out of Neyland at halftime.  But before leaving, they made their feelings quite clear to Vols players and coaches on the field.  The booing was significant, and it continued in the second half though it lacked the same passion since the game was well out of reach.

When it was over several players took issue with Vols fans, in varying degrees, over the booing.  Fulmer did as well, while adding he’d have booed some of the things he saw against the Gators, too.  All of that is par for the course.  Fans boo, players and coaches react to it. 

But since when do writers seemingly try and come to the rescue?

Dave Hooker, a fine columnist for the Knoxville News Sentinel, suggested Vols fans booing may have a damaging impact on the future of the program.  Highly-touted QB recruit Josh Nunes from California, a verbal commitment to the Vols, reopened his recruiting with he and his family citing the booing during the UAB game as part of the reason.  Shortly thereafter he verbally committed to Stanford saying it was always his dream to play for the Cardinal.  He went on to add the decision was “based on the distance and difficulty getting there (Knoxville) from my home.”  

Hooker connected the dots and, while saying he completely understands fans’ frustrations, believes Vols fans should pause and think before vocally unloading on their team. 

I understand his point, but I respectfully disagree.

The bigger issue with Tennessee’s football program is the fact they have an anemic offense that lacks anything resembling innovation and creativity since the 1990’s and a defense that gives up too many yards, too many points, too many 3rd down conversions and makes too many of the same mistakes week after week, year after year.  Special teams play is the gift (to opponents) that keeps on giving.  If it got any worse . . . well, it can’t get any worse.

And then there’s the coaching staff.  In recent years they have appeared archaic, out-of-touch and well behind the learning curve compared to staffs from programs like Florida, LSU, USC, Oklahoma, Ohio State and a handful of others.

I cannot imagine the motivation to slap the collective wrists of a fan base because they are making a statement they have every right to make: Booing.  Vols fans are as passionate and loyal as they come and over the years it’s been the rare day you’ll hear anything resembling a boo being shouted in Neyland Stadium. 

But fans, and their wallets, have their limit. 

Sometimes, all fans want to see is progress.  A move in the direction that signals hope is in play and better days are on the horizon.  At Tennessee, those better days seem behind them, at least under the program’s present leadership.

If recruits start pulling their verbal commitments to Tennessee because of booing, then their desire to come to Knoxville wasn’t nearly as strong as they made it seem.  The other recruits currently in the fold, the ones that haven’t backed out of their verbal commitment, apparently haven’t been swayed by the temperature of the fans.

Give me a player that is as mentally tough as he is physically gifted.  The guy who is concerned with boos tells me the rabbit ears may not fit in his helmet.

There’s also the possibility high-profile players like Nunes and their families are becoming turned off by what they’re seeing unfold on the field at Neyland Stadium more than what they’re hearing cascade down from the stands.

No one will ever be able to accurately measure the effect fans booing has on a football program.  The idea it may adversely affect the short-term and long-range success of that program because a recruit, or several, back away is a specious argument.  It effectively does the end-around of where the blame really lies.

Trying to measure whether or not the leadership of that same college football program is ineffective - that’s another story.

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Hollywood: Amateur Politicos Gone Wild

By Christopher Gabriel, CGabriel.com

Those pesky little Hollywood celebrities, they say the darnedest things.  Nothing like a good Emmy Awards broadcast to give this group of amateur political commentators their opportunity to play MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann.  Is there a difference between 15 minutes of fame and 15 seconds of folly?  You’ve heard the phrase “less is more?”  Sometimes, less is too much.

The First Amendment is a wonderful thing.  Then again, a powerful weapon in the wrong hands can be dangerous. 

There they were, up on the Nokia Theatre stage in Los Angeles, the few, the proud, the marionettes, doing their very best for our country.  At least that’s what they want us to believe.  This whole notion, put forth for years by the Tim Robbins’ and Susan Sarandon’s of the world, that they know more than the rest of us and they know what’s best for us is just this side of insulting.

The endless preaching about the evils of any candidate from the Republican Party over the past 50 years has grown awfully tired and well beyond weathered.  Try as they might, be it Laura Linney thanking ”the community organizers that helped form our country” in her Emmy Award thank you remarks or Canadian Howie Mandel, sliding in a “bridge to no where” reference, they just can’t help themselves. 

Linney went on to say “I don’t think anyone should be disrespected for their service no matter who they are or no matter what party they’re in.”  Apparently Stephen Colbert missed the memo on that as he stood on stage eating prunes while saying to Jon Stewart in a not so thinly-veiled reference to John McCain, “Right now, America needs a prune. Granted, it is shriveled and hard to swallow, but this old fruit has the experience we need.”

Would Linney consider Colbert’s comment disrespectful?  Or was it just good-natured fun?

The basic problem here - and point in fact, it makes no difference to me whether they’re out-and-about making fun of conservatives or liberals - is that the vast majority of them open their mouths first, and become educated on issues second.  Trying it the other way around would be a great first step on their Path to Enlightenment. 

Further, they are surrounded by people - agents, publicists and “handlers” - who make them the center of the universe on a daily basis.  When the subject isn’t their next movie, a development deal or an appearance at a Wal-Mart in Oklahoma City, they still believe they’re that important when discussing anything . . . especially politics.

They’re not.

They’re actors, directors, writers, comedians and television hosts.  They’re not seasoned political analysts and strategists served up by CNN or Fox News.

I’m not debating the right for any of them to state their opinions.  I’m simply asking them to have a sense of responsibility to make even a feeble attempt to be . . . responsible.  If they want so desperately to be in the political arena, then really get in the game.  How about taking a stab at offering up political insights in a venue outside of their comfort zone?  I’m sure CNN’s The Situation Room, Fox’s Hannity and Colmes or NBC’s Meet the Press would love to have some of these pundits-in-training grace their sets.

Somewhere on the trip to bountiful, Hollywood heavies got the idea they were an accurate reflection of America.  And because of that, it was, and remains, their civic duty to remind all of us, especially those of us in middle-America (which seems to mean Peoria to most of them) to vote.  But, to vote for the candidate they support.  To vote for the candidate that best represents their interests. 

Hollywood is unmatched at making fantasy appear as reality.  They’re also unmatched trying to impose their own reality on the rest of America.  That they believe so many outside the studio gates are buying what they’re selling - well that’s just fantasy.   

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When Teens Take Over the Playground

By Christopher Gabriel, CGabriel.com

It’s tough being a teen.  While they’re busy trying to find their own identity, adults are busy trying to find it for them.  Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, television shows, movies, advertisers selling them things . . . the list is endless.  And then there’s their friends.  The crowd they hang out with often has the greatest impact on them, nudging them one direction or another.  But regardless of who influences them, I’ve found over the years by and large, the vast majority of teens are good kids.  Really good kids.

But if there’s one area they’re not so good at - and it’s not their fault - it’s showing an awareness and responsibility of how their actions and behavior might adversely affect those around them.

I’m thinking specifically of time spent at The Playground.

My wife and I enjoy taking our two young daughters to a park near our house.  The girls climb into one of those two-person, three-wheel athletic strollers and we then go on a 45-minute walk on a path surrounding the park.  This is followed by a trip over to the elaborate play area where the girls can let loose.  Swings, climbing bars, slides . . . whatever a kid could want, they’re able to find it in this play area.

But what happens when older kids - teens - decide to turn what is ostensibly a play area for very young kids into their own pleasure palace? 

It’s a real dilemma for parents because when you get right down to it, there’s not a an age limit sign posted.  And yet, common sense suggests it’s really not designed for the bigger kids.

As we neared the halfway point of our walk, two couples - and these kids couldn’t have been more than 15 - decided they needed to begin exploring intimacy with one another.  In full view of our girls and anyone else strolling by.  Wonderful.  Now, to be fair, our 17-month-old had no idea what was going on.  But our five-year-old, that’s another story.  She couldn’t take her eyes off of them.

Joining these students of anatomy were another half-dozen kids, all of them rediscovering their love of slides, swings and gymnastics.  They charged onto the play area apparatus being, at times, loud, obnoxious and probably a bit intimidating for the children.  None of them seemed even the slightest bit aware there were other human beings just feet from them.  

Or perhaps they were acutely aware of it.

The problem here, and it’s happened before, is whose park is it anyway?  The answer is simple: It’s everyone’s park.  But the solution, truly making the park for everyone, is not so easy.

On the one hand, the older kids had as much right to be there as anyone else.  It was nothing more than a bunch of friends getting together for some harmless fun.  But there’s a point when “harmless” has far more restrictive parameters.  And that point is in play when parents and their children are in the park.

The mere fact there were children - very young children - running around trying to have fun should have been the first indication to the big kids to kick everything down a notch, or 12.  The two couples practicing the clutch-and-grab, the other six climbing to the top of sliding boards and carrying on like they were acting out scenes from old Tarzan movies exceeded tolerable in less time than you can blink.   

Then, just for good measure, four more parents arrived with their young kids.  The park was now split like the Jets and Sharks from West Side Story. 

Suddenly though, the over-the-top behavior came to a screeching halt.  It was as if they collectively realized “maybe we should get down off the top of the swings, stop stomping on the tunnel slides, drop our voices to a decibel level under 100 and resist the urge to act on our deep and intense love for each other . . . at least until we find a new play area.”

I’ve worked with young people for years in a variety of settings.  I think teenagers get unfairly labeled by much of our society.  Adults, like me, are more prone to make a rush to judgement rather than take a deep breath, listen to them and remember what our thought process was when we were that age.

Wanting them to be aware and responsible might be asking too much in certain situations, and that’s not in any way meant to disparage them.  At the end of the day, they’re still kids.  And though our common sense - our logic - tells us they should know better than to overtake a play area when there are a host of really young kids there, we often forget our common sense and logic is not shared by them.  Not yet, anyway.

Today at the park, everything worked itself out on its own.  I have a suspicion that happens more times than it doesn’t. 

But the deeper issue here is wondering why teens are finding their way to play parks instead of places that seem a much better fit for them.  Is it simply a matter of convenience for them, going over to a park in their neighborhood?  Are parents less inclined to allow their kids to have their friends over so they just give a wave of the hand and say “yeah, go ahead…” when their son or daughter says “I’m going out.” 

Talking to other parents tells me playground scenes like today’s has become more the norm that it is the exception, and that makes it an issue.  And like anything else involving our kids, solutions to problems, asking the right questions and teaching the proper lessons start at home. 

Maybe the solution here is simply taking the time to remind a teen, in a respectful and disarming way, to be aware of who’s around them when they’re with their friends. 

It’s never too soon to set a good example.  To some that may sound corny.  To others, it’s not a bad way to proceed through life.   

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